A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"

Valentine's Day soon, Ladies!
But don't bother getting me what you got me last year.
I've got enough fucking restraining orders as it is.

My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night.
He was caught in a trap.
Now he's always on my mind.

My daughter said to me, "Dad, I'm engaged and I want to get married in mum's wedding dress."
"You're not pregnant are you?" I asked.
"No!!" she replied.
"Well, it won't fit you then..."

Was in the library earlier, after a fruitless search I went up to the librarian and said, ”I’m looking for a book on an Austrian composer of chamber music but can’t see one ... Sorry, but his name escapes me for the moment."
He said, “Could it be Haydn?”
I nodded, “Must be mate, because I can’t bloody find it.”

Husband - "Whats up with you?"
Wife - "I have a head cold"
Husband - "Not surprised with the amount of time it spends in the fucking Fridge!"

Boss came in today furious, yelling something about our work should match our salary.
People listened to him quietly and then stopped what they are doing.

People say Steve Jobs died too soon. I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

300 million year old Himalayan rock salt best before 10 March 2018.......... I am glad I bought this just in time then.

When I get home late from the pub...I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody local does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off later on today!

I had VAR technology at my wedding ...
It confirmed it was an own goal.

I was working out at the gym and this fat girl came up and asked if I could show her how to use this machine.
"It's easy," I instructed, "You just put your coin in this slot and the snack pops out at the bottom."

A honeymoon couple book into the hotel. The lady has a shower, puts on French perfume, a see-through negligee and lays on the bed all seductive. The man, in his cotton pyjamas stands at the window looking out at the sky. “Come to bed dear” she coos seductively. “Not tonight dear” he replies, “my mum said that this would be the best night of my life and I don’t want to miss anything”. diamond wedding collections with beading

’Wish me luck in this year’s London Marathon. I made 3hrs 12mins and 9 sec last year. This year I will try to beat that, but I get bored and usually turn over and watch something else.

Alexander Graham Bell picked up the ear piece and trembled in anticipation as he heard the voice on the other end say, "Your call is important to us, please hold and an operator will be with you shortly. "

When couples really argue, and the man tells her to "go to hell", note how the woman usually goes to stay at her mother's for a few days.

The Pope has become so concerned about the disasters that are occurring throughout the world, he has personally endorsed a fund raising scheme to help the victims of these disasters. You can easily donate any amount through Papal.

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

If I had a pound for every time I thought about my wife, I'd probably start thinking about her.

My mate died after taking an E. Countdown's security staff don't fuck about.

Porn has ruined my life. My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.

I tried to commit suicide last night. I won't be trying that again, I nearly fucking died.

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "You will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "Any day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

Using just one hand I can count 11 reasons incest is bad.

The grenade factory is the one place where being able to hear a pin drop is a bad thing

My friends say I always contradict them, but I disagree.

I'm sick of my girlfriend listening to Cyndi Lauper CDs, time after time.

My daughter asked me why mummy is so pale. I told her to shut up and keep digging.

You know you're a bad parent when you dip your kid in the bath water first, because you don't want to scald your elbow.